Battle to the Death
“My good people, today is such a beautiful day in Woodstock, Connecticut; we are to go to battle. Today’s larping battle is one of the most important battles that this clan, Team Swift, has ever fought. My lady, Taylor Swift, has been held captive by the Evil King Sir Fartsalot. I don’t know what they are doing to her but she is my love and you, my team, must help me defeat the King and save her. It is going to be a hard battle, but I think I have a plan that can lead us to victory.
Alright guys, there are 10 teams today fighting to the death, but not really to the death. So that means 100 men in tights and robes fighting for the chance to take down the kings throne and capture it for himself. Alright, the plan is that Legolas, Boromir, and Merry will lead us to battle by shooting arrows and lightning bolts at the enemy. When the enemy is stunned by all that is coming at them, Aragon, Bob, and I will go in with swords a blazing, taking out anything in our way. Lastly, the four of you, Gabriel, Henry, Angel and Alexander will cover our rear making sure our archers do not get flanked.
Now, we shall travel through the woods of a lot of wood, and then we shall go over the bridge of 1000 truths, and finally fight through the field of blood, making it to the castle of Sir Fartsalot. There we find our biggest test because he has twenty men under his rule that are ready at will to die for him. If we are able to do this, I believe we may have a chance at winning today, and becoming the Kings of Larping at The Castle. So grab your rubber swords, plastic shields, rubber tipped arrows, lightning bolts, battle axes, and your armor and we shall meet at the starting line where the King shall give his speech.”
I approached the podium with my men trotting along behind me. The King’s men were guarding the podium for his arrival and a crowd of various warriors started to form around us. I could recognize most of these teams of warriors, but one really stood out to me. It was Team Jacob, recently we had been allies until they betrayed us, so now we treat them as our biggest enemy. Hopefully they will have their hands full in this battle because Team Edward’s only concern is making them bleed.
The only thing I am really worried about is the King’s minions. They have ruled this land for many months, destroying everyone that has tried to seize the Castle. The King has used his power to obtain 20 of the best warriors from all the teams that come to the larping battles every Sunday. I did receive a request from his holiness, but I easily declined his offer because I believe he is an awful King. He is about six foot five inches and as skinny as a skeleton. He has long brown hair that you would find on a stallion, and he wields the longest swords you will ever see. Unfortunately, he is the asshole of all assholes, and did I mention he farts a lot, that’s why he is called Sir Fartsalot. As we were all mingling in the crowd of one hundred warriors, the King arrived fashionably late on his black horse, Firefreeze.
The King rose up to start his speech, “Hear he, hear he. Welcome back my people of the land I call Sir Fartsalot land because I am King. Today shall be a battle that will be talked about for a thousand years more. I have captive in my kingdom the very pretty and talented Taylor Swift. You will fight to the death to try to save her from being my personal slave every Sunday, and only Sundays, because any other day she will most likely sue me because it is not in the contract. If you save her you get to let her free, but you’ll have to get through me first.
Also, as the usual, you will become King but that won’t happen because you all suck. So, bring it on suckers, I’ll be in my Castle waiting for a challenge that is worth my time.”
The King then jumped backed onto his prize horse and as he rode off gave everyone the double birds. It was then that I really started to feel that fire under my bottom, the one that makes you feel invincible. I knew that I would make him pay; it was the only thing that I was certain of.
The battle was about to begin, it was a sunny day, the kind of day that all you could think about was causing pain and seeing blood. Sadly, we were only using rubber and cardboard weapons, so that would be really hard to accomplish. Luckily, everyone that Larps has the imagination of an eight-year-old, so it feels real. I told my men to suit up, put on your armor, get your weapons, and prepare because the battle was to start in five minutes.
I said to my men, “Today, we are going against all odds. We need to overcome the adversity that is set against us, and save my Lady Taylor Swift. And the most important thing is to be the pig. If we are the pig, then we shall beat the King and his evil farts. Lastly, what ever happens on the battle field, I will always remember the as my brothers, I love you guys. On three, one… two… three…. TEAM SWIFT!”
As we approached the battle field it was time to put on our game faces. Swords were drawn and bows were ready to explode with a powerful energy. The Joker counted down, “Five, four, three, two, one, GO!” As we had planned before, my team and I ran for the woods of a lot of wood, but we were cut off by Team Jacob before we could breach through. Rubber Arrows flew over my head, taking out a few of the opposing forces. As I ran to attack the shaken men on Team Jacobs, Team Edwards obliterated them from behind.
As Team Jacob fell to the ground one of the females from Team Edward screamed, “Team Edward Bitch!”
During their celebrating we attacked with precise swordsmanship. It felt like we were the Spartan soldiers from 300, but there were only 10 of us. Next, we rushed into the woods becoming one with nature. It was as if we were invisible, swiftly moving between the trees that had been there for so many years. All of a sudden, I heard a strike of lightning. A tree came crashing down and nearly hit Henry. I thought to myself how close of a call that was when all of a sudden Henry was struck in the head with a rubber arrow.
“Man down, man down!” Aragon screamed.
We sprinted into battle, rubber flying every where. There were thud noises made from all of the swords coming to contact. The whole battle was a blur as my fighting instinct came into action. My sword made the enemy yelp and scream; I was a natural and there was no stopping this mad man.
When the action was over we had only lost Henry, but we had to move on. As we weaved through the men lying on the ground, I stepped on one.
He jumped up and screamed, “Hey watch where you are walking.”
I replied, “You’re supposed to be dead, bitch.” I walked away with a sense of pride, but I knew that there was a long day ahead of us.
As we arrived at the Bridge of a Hundred Truths, we started to slow down. Everyone went to hide behind trees or rocks because the bridge is always heavily guarded by the biggest, meanest guys you’ll ever see. Their team’s name was, Big Mean Guys; who would have known? I told my team to wait until the perfect moment when no one was paying attention. All of a sudden, I motioned for us to attack.
As we jumped out of the mangled forest two of their men were taken out by our highly-skilled archers. Aragon and Gabriel went under the bridge were there was two men standing in the little creek with their swords drawn. Gabriel being such a huge man fell to the ground making the earth shaken beneath our feet. This caused the enemy warriors stumble, and at that moment, Aragon went in for the kill. He took out one man with a quick slice to the neck where the enemy then fell hard to the ground, and then Aragon threw his secondary knife hitting the Big Guy directly in the middle of his forehead. If I was to judge it, that kill should have been on Sportcenter’s top plays.
The remaining six enemies were on the bridge. The funny thing is that when a mortal stands on this bridge, they cannot help but shout as many truths and secrets as they can.
With my first step hitting the stone bridge I screamed, “I have a wedgie!”
Next to me Bob yelped, “I love the feeling of peanut butter and jelly all over my body!”
While all of this screaming of secrets and truths was going on we had surrounded the remaining six men of the Big Mean Guys.
Out of nowhere one of the six guys, he was the meanest looking, biggest person you’ll lay eyes upon shouted at the top of his lungs, “I still wet my bed!”
Everyone paused for a second and started laughing their asses off. Once we were done with this abdominal workout, I told these six men, “We will spare your lives, if only you swear allegiance to fighting with Team Swift. Because you are on the Bridge of 1000 truths we will know if you are truthful or not. If you refuse to join then you shall be slaughtered.” Luckily everyone joined the group giving us fifteen men. It had been almost two hours, and we were set to lay foot on the field of blood.
The field was almost half a mile long. Before the match, red paint had been scattered on the knee-high blades of grass. I had our team walk in a circle so that no one was open to an attack from behind. It has been said that many of the King’s warriors hide in the grass and will surprise attack you. It had seemed too quiet as we shuffled our feet through the grass like we were trying to find something on the ground.
All of a sudden a messenger ran out of the woods. He sprinted to us giving news of the battle. He told us in a panting tone, “My dear Team Swift, there are only three teams left, and of course the King. The other teams are already in a fight to the death at the castle’s gates, and the King said he will join them when one is victorious and worthy of battle. Oh and in other urgent news three of the Kings fighters have been killed. Lastly my good men, Kanye West was killed today when Taylor Swift found a real arrow and shot him in the heart because he is so heartless. Now the king has her ready to be tortured, so you must get there soon before he… ahhhhhh!”A sword had pierced up through the grass and hit the messenger right in the family jewels.
Seven of the King’s warriors shot out the tall grass covered in the red paint.
Scared out of our minds, Angel started cracking jokes, “Well, I guess you could say they like it bushy. They aren’t just on their knees; they’re on their elbows too. They enjoy pretending that they are crabs.”
With a sudden swing, a battle axe struck Angel on the dome. And then the fighting started. We made sound effects as we swung our weapons; it was like some epic Star Wars scene. I took out two guards then was thrown to the ground. My shield was crushed as the guard stepped over my body about to finish me.
All of a sudden one of the Big Mean members jumped in front of the axe taking the kill for me. He lay motionless on the ground, and then I slit my enemy’s ankles when he was not paying attention. As I got up we were in a struggle for our lives. There had been four guards killed and three of our men taken out.
As the last three guards were targeting Legolas, he shot three arrows at once up into the air. At that moment, Legolas dropped with a moan to the ground with three swords under his arms. As the guards turned around to finish the fight, all three arrows hit the guards on the head. They dropped to the ground simultaneously with embarrassment. After everyone was dead, I told my savior who stepped in front of the axe that we would always be his allies, every weekend. Sadly, we had to move on from the dead and to the castles gates.
When we had reached the gates to Sir Fartsalot castle, men were laying on the ground everywhere. The bridge was being lowered to the castle doors. Sir Fartsalot came out of his castle with his remaining nine guards. As he walked up to us he started to laugh, this was no regular laugh, it was maniacal.
He said, “Well well well, if it isn’t Team Swift. I had a feeling I would see you today. I have your lady locked up, and ready for her duties as my slave. Let’s see, you have how many men, nine, is that it? (Little did he know we had put our remaining archers in the woods behind the castle.) Do you wish to fight or shall you surrender and kiss my ass?”
At that moment I gave my men their signal. Merry and Boromir jumped out of the woods, and made rubber fly. Two of the guards were hit and the third arrow went all the way to South Park, Colorado and hit a boy name Kenny.
Two boy’s Kyle and Stan screamed, “Oh My God, they killed Kenny. You bastards.” Then the King ran for cover as the battle began.
The remaining seven guards were the best fighters any one of us had seen. They killed half of our team in half a minute. It was only Aragon, Bob, Merry, Boromir, and I left. Our archers had run out of arrows so they were throwing lightning bolts. This was a weakness of the guards because with every hit they were shocked for a good two seconds. When that happened we attacked, four guards were killed with a stab to the heart. Another guard was paralyzed from all the hits of lightning bolts so we left him lying on the ground twitching.
The last two guards killed our remaining two archers and hit Bob on the head with their shield of spikes. Aragon told me to back off so I could go get the King. When he attacked, he maneuvered so quickly that he took out the first guard within seconds. He then ran full sprint at the last guard with a spear he had picked up. The two clashed together each killing one another.
Now it was only me and the King.
He came out of his hiding spot with a beet red face. I thought he was about to explode, and that he did. He farted so loud that the earth trembled, and my face giggled along with my whole body. This was his secret weapon, and it was a nasty one at that. I was lost in the musk of his fart, finding myself choking almost throwing up. He came at me with a swing of his sword to my left arm. It was gone; I could no longer use it. I could no longer open my eyes, they were jerked with tears. I lay trying to crawl away from the awful smell of this man’s stank as he circled me laughing, enjoying his own destruction. I could only think of one thing, to fight fire with fire. I pushed and pushed until veins were starting to pop, and then it happened. I ripped one so hard the king was thrown off his feet and into the moat that surrounded his castle. He was dead.
I ran to the castle where I could get away from the horrid stench. And as I opened the door I saw her at last. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She had the deepest blue eyes, so deep I found myself lost in them from the moment I gazed upon them. Her golden hair was slightly blowing from the wind, causing me to lose my focus. I ran to her with my muscles flexing and gleaming from the sweat I created during battle.
I said to her, “My lady, I am the Leader of Team Swift. I have come to save you from the evil clutches of Sir Fartsalot. Please come with me.”
She replied, “Oh my prince, my warrior, what is thy name?”
I commented, “I am Mike Kantorski, son of Greg Kantorski.”
She said in the sexiest voice ever, “Oh Mike, you are the hottest guy I have ever laid eyes on, won’t you marry me tonight and make sweet love to me. We shall live together forever happily because it’s a love story, so baby just say yes.”
All I could say was, “OH YEAH.”
Later that day, my men and I were made Kings of the newly named larping castle, Fearless or Speak Now. Taylor and I lived happily ever after, having three kids that would grow up to become the best larper anyone has ever seen.
With that being said, Team Swift was the new top dogs of the castle and Sir Fartsalot was banned for good, and renamed Sir Buttkiss.
